I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”