[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
TODAY
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
just witnessed a drug deal
The internet is magic sometimes.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Brilliant!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out