FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
he was correct
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.