I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.