I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My Plans 2020
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs