I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.