I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
How times have changed.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar