I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Oops
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Welcome
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service