[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.