Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife