@discountzen: I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.
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@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@_mcgoof: Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp? "He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head." "No babe, this calls for a full dragon."
@XOperfectmessXO: Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
@ojedge: [1st date] Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders] Her: "Thank you but I'm not cold" Me: [covering her awful dress] "Yes you are"