Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
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DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.