@discountzen: I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.
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@alan_maguire: I'm watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don't even have teeth, it's just capitalism making them want things they don't need
@WilliamAder: Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to "please pull up to the window."
@lecalabara: Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."