I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit