Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.