I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!