I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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Good dog. ❤️
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Google assistant rules
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
when someone compliments me
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .