ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
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Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.