@Firawesome: I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?
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@CulturedRuffian: Tim Burton could've saved a lot of money on 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
@INDlAN_: *lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn F: well? Me: we’re in China
@RowdyBowden: Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
@mewritesgood: You say "potato", I say "This isn't working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me."