I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!