I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
You Might Also Like
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.