I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats