@House_Feminist: I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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@BlindChow: [girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend
@EJGomez: sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like "who stopped u" "turtles" "huh" "no they were like faster than normal"
@notfolu: I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people