I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
You Might Also Like
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.