I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
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Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.