@malber: I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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@jimmytorosian: Simon: I wrote a song Garfunkel: *reads lyrics* Garfunkel: "I am a rock. I am an island" dude I'm like right here. I thought we were friends
@elisemarie91: Remember when parents said "I'll give you something to cry about" & were scared they'd hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
@UkeOfEarl1: [Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh