I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please