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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
A new level of troll.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”