I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Yup.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.