I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.