@RocketRankoon: I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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@scott_towel: When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe.
@Christi_Q: Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"
@shadygrenade: *stands over dads casket* "Mom isn't doing well, dad." *puts hand on dad's shoulder* "You need to stop building caskets. It's creepy."
@NoticablyBacon: December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it