@RocketRankoon: I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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@radtoria: Like The Purge but everyone is tryin to murder Tim Allen & become the next Santa. Pls donate on kickstarter so I can finally feed my family.
@MUMSIEesq: ME: I should get out of bed. FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes. M: I might shower today. F: My husband invented showers.
@cambuslad: You know you're getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu ... And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
@notacroc: WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies