angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail