I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“i miss shittin on people”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math