I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.