I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
figuring out my emotional availability:
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*