Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.