I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
You Might Also Like
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.