I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Meeeee too!
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.