i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”