@ch000ch: i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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@MelvinofYork: Well hello, "Party-Size" bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
@RobertJrDowney: If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@AverageCorners: Me: Okay, bed time. Brain: I'm with you, man. I'm tired. Nose: GUYS I LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE "PATIENCE" BY GUNS N' ROSES!