A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.