@Sickayduh: I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
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@FudgeRobot: Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.
@just1fool: Always go into an interview high so they'll never be able to tell the difference in the future.
@LackOfShame: Nothing's sadder than the look on my dog's face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.