If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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I laughed at this way too hard.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Children of the corn 🌽
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*