I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
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Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.