@markleggett: I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
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@Danny_Dilford: I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
@tone765: America: Japanese ads are extremely weird Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
@rudetanks: The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything
@flashember: [Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."