@markleggett: I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
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@BGH70: The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party. I got, "Oh, you're still here?"
@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
@BMcCarthy32: NFL catch rules are absurd. "Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn't accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete."