I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.