I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me recordaron éste meme
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”