@koalaslament: I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.
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@MarlonBrandNO: I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
@LuvPug: The only thing more annoying than vegans who won't shut up about being vegan is people who aren't vegan who won't shut up about vegans
@iamburtjarvis: nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG: •DAY 6 -Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.