I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…