Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
guys I’m going home
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now