It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Never let them know your next move 😂
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Worst Native American name ever.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
For anyone who needs this today
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.