I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Europe. Made in Germany.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset