I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You Might Also Like
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Hank is one in a melon.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.