I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea