I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m giving up for Lent.