@dougbies: I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don't like
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@natechartier1: Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
@Charles_HRH: Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he "won't be coming back to the UK in a hurry". Well played, Great Britain. Job done.
@N0pantz: Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
@ozzyunc: It's 2080. Every living human is named Taylor. Dogs are the size of hamsters. The iPhone 47 is the size of a parachute. Weed is mandatory.