I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator