I unironically love this joke.
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.