I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
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Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.